Take what you can get!

Yes, but never settle for less. This is what a friend said to me recently. Wise words maybe? I haven’t written lately cause I really didn’t have much to share or talk about, this blog although people read it, is really a diary of self. Something I come back to months later and re-read and look back and weigh in on what changes and growth I have accomplished.

Last year I went through so much change and afterwards I was exhausted by it all. My brain was about to explode with change and knowledge. I shared my dating experiences, my heartache, disappointments, moments of happiness with computer and all the readers who took it upon themselves to take the time to read. By February I was wiped out from it all. So, when I got the opportunity to do a bit of travel I jumped right on it. In a matter of 3 weeks, I had been to Atlanta, Puerto Rico and Utah. Some of that was relaxation and some of that was for work. In the middle of that, I started seeing someone. New job, training for race season, and throw a male counterpart into that mix, it eats up some time.

Now, I am very grateful for the new job and definitely excited about my race season as I am off to a good start. But, dating hasn’t been my strong suit in oh let's say 8 years. In that 8 years, I dated someone for 2 years, who is now recently married, than a 3 year relationship that was nothing short of a disaster, but that was not enough for me I guess, when I took another journey with someone for it to only end 7 months later. So, given my track record, I was all but ready to say “to hell with this relationship aspect of my life” maybe I am meant to be alone for the rest of my life, maybe I’ll be sitting in a nursing home or my home (if I am lucky and not broken from years of biking) wondering why it was so hard to find that ONE person, who I can call my best friend, who I run across the world with, who shared with me my great moments, my NOT so great moments, etc. I mean lets get serious here for a second, it crosses my mind, not all the time, but it does happen, hell I’m human and I don’t feel bad thinking about it for one second. It’s my reality and the consistent reminder of men saying “Now, why hasn’t some lucky guy snatched you up yet?” HELL I don’t know, I’m just waiting for him to get off the toilet, or get back from Whole Foods, or stop his world of travels long enough to notice me.

Ha ha it's all funny, but for us almost 40 somethings single ladies, it’s nothing short of funny. People say the best things to us single people, love will come when you least expect it, just do the things you enjoy and you never know what may happen, go live your life. Yes, I have heard it all and you know what I have done exactly that. I have been living my life, a life that I am happy to call mine. I have wonderful friends, family, experiences and adventures. So, when I started seeing this person with it all came the baggage, I thought to myself oh no April, you’re going down that same path again. Hell I had someone who I valued their opinion tell me their point of view (actually after processing it all, realized this was their judgment of someone they have never even met), which not positive what so ever. I remember that night, I was so upset with what this person said, that I tried to work out my frustrations by hitting the gym and that didn’t help. UGH, was this for a reason? I was thinking about it too much, was this person right, wrong, am I headed down the path of dating disaster?

Well if you ask that person, yes it was for a reason, but the  reason was very different than what they were pointing out, at least that is my conclusion.  It all came back to “Don’t Take Anything Personally, Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering”. BUT.....is this my baggage, their baggage, everyone’s baggage? OH MY, can you hear the freight train moving through again?

Let’s get to this person, he has been nothing short of wonderful to me, in all essence it’s been a pretty simple relationship, we have great conversations, we can spend the entire day working a few feet from each other and get along nicely, we can be in the car for hours and play music trivia, which I will say he is the one to beat. We can run together, okay, he runs and I chase him. We share many of the same principals, beliefs and goals. I miss him when he is away and excited when we get to spend time together.

Sounds good right, yes, I think so too, but this relationship was was faced with rumors, judgments and associations and not from me though or him, but about him with others. People that don’t even know him all that well and others that have developed their own perspective. So, my excitement was cut short, by all these thoughts and feelings.  I had to ask myself what was I getting into, I had to HAVE those conservations with him that I never really thought I would have, when you are getting to know a person. Finally when I said, I hear others, but my heart wants to give this a go and take a risk for love, even if that might include heartbreak and disappointment.

See, here is the thing, if you don’t take any risks, you could be left standing there one day, wondering. I have chosen to forget the wondering part and find out. I know that I am cared for in many ways, I get that, I really do. But, love is letting go of fear and my goal to let go of the fear that has controlled so much of my life, I have lived a safe life, of which I have become quite accustomed too. If the person whomever I am with, doesn’t see the amazing package they are getting I can’t change that, nor can I force them to see it. To be here and say that, well leaves me feeling like I have taken something away from the last year. So, yes, I will continue to jump in to the ends of this relationship to explore what is to come and take that risk, big or small I will take what I can get! Life is short and giving up one more moment to fear is not on my agenda.

Finally, I am going to finish this blog off with my accomplishment last Sunday. I’m racing this season and my first race was last Sunday. I had gotten on the bike Saturday to pre-ride the course and well I felt not inspired and was even concerned that my race would be less than epic for my first race. I got to bed early Saturday night, got up Sunday morning, stopped to pick up some breakfast and head out to the race course. I met my team and we all prepared and encouraged each other for our race to come. Being my first race, I opted for 20 miles instead of 60 or 30 miles. Plus, 20 miles for me on the mountain bike race speed seems to be just fitting enough. My class was the last class to go out, I always size up the ladies whom I am racing with, some tiny, thin cyclist, me somewhere in between. My usual practice for racing, I place myself on the back line, but something in me today, said push ahead to the front, so I got on the starting line. As we waited to start I could feel my blood start to pump, my heart in my throat and oh GOD, I HATE THIS PART!!! I always come out of the gate strong, but then die 5 minutes into a race. So, I had to hold back just a tiny bit so I didn’t lose all my speed or strength. As the announcer said “GO” I was filled with the rush of adrenaline. So off I went, I never looked back until the second lap. As I cross into my second lap, I and the girl who’s wheels I was on the whole time during our first lap, both look back and realize its just her and I. We pull back enough to recover and grab some water. She commented on me pushing her and that she was ready to die, we laugh and pushed forward for our second lap.

I had jumped ahead of her the second lap and she rode my back wheel for half the course, once we got to double track she passed me like the wind, I did everything I could to stay up with her, but she dropped me the last quarter of our lap. I knew I wasn’t far behind her and I didn’t want to lose my placement and at this time I had no idea what placement I had. So, I pedalled as fast as I could the rest of the course which was flat and fast. I crossed over the finished line and took a few moments to catch my breath and my legs. HOLY HELL, I felt that acid flowing through them like never before.

I didn’t even care what placement I got, I was so excited about my performance and the riding experience with Tabitha that I just smiled, we exchanged hugs for a job well done and talked about our experience with each other. I returned to my car to retrieve dog and put my bike up and grab a change of clothes. When I returned back to the race area to chat with my team, congratulate them on their races, I walked over to the results stand. I looked for my cateogory and saw my name, I looked to the left to see my placement. I was at first...wait is that right??? HELLZ YEAH IT IS. 3rd baby. I’ll take that to Tabitha 2nd place. I’ll take what I can get!

I was by far very pleased with my performance. The last couple of years keeping up with MC on her bike, well it’s paid off. So thanks MC, you’ve created a mean machine on the bike.

Happy weekend all and enjoy the sun, bikes, family, friends, races.

Much love to you all, this song describes my race completely. I felt every beat and pulse during that race!