Farewell Summer!

One to remember!

My plan for this week is to keep it light-hearted and simple. As we all get ready to say farewell to good ol’ summer of 2012, I will be taking some time away to reflect on the changes that have made my life what it is today.  (A short trip if you will).

Yes, I know summer is not officially over, but for most of us, Labor Day is the dawning of a new season as the year comes to an end.

I do love the Fall season, the cool crisp evenings, the changing of the leaves, the crackle of the ground while riding my mountain bike. Ahhh, it really puts a smile on my face.

Summer 2012, you have been enlightening, adventurous, heartbreaking, uplifting, but ever so fulfilling. I’ve laughed with great friends, meeting of new ones, and riding my bike in the most enchanting wilderness, all while I continue to strive for that perfect place within.

As we all enter into our long weekend with family and friends. I ask you to reflect back on your summer and pose a question to my readers.


Please feel free to leave your comments. I will be back later next week. Have a wonderful and safe holiday weekend!

Question: If not now, then when?

I am

Before I start getting too involved in my writing this week, let me be clear that I am grateful for this experience in my life, I am grateful for the path that I am walking, although very difficult to dig up  the inner thoughts of myself and really tune into who I am and why I am here at this point in my life. This transformation is something I am entirely grateful for. To have this opportunity to experience the real part of me, has really changed the way I see the world, myself, others and the events that take place. In a sense I really am living, not going along with the daily routines, throwing myself out to the wolves, and for the first time in my life not following the rules.

I am really living in the moment, day to day and being aware of my current situation and all the changes of which I have openly embraced. Changing my past beliefs and behaviors is definitely most challenging and yet I still feel naked in the sense of who I am.  I’m listening to the universe, spirit, God, whatever you want to call it, for me it’s the universe. Before I had a pulling, gnawing and tugging at my heart, that inner voice that was saying. “How happy are you really April?” and why do I feel like there is something more? I heard that voice, but never really tapped into it until I was literally was pushed to listen to it.

That big push came from a failed relationship, I in all sense was in love, but this was not the mutual feeling or connection for that individual and the idea of actually working things out was not going to be an option.

Now, I look back with clarity and realize it was all for what we so commonly refer to or hear of, “It happened for a reason”, after waking up and dealing with my feelings, I realized that I was ready for something new, a new life of sorts, new ways to deal with life, a new fresh look. Some of these new ways have lead me to much laughter, feeling of freedom and the ability to explore new waters, but the best feeling of all, is really being okay with everything and allowing myself to be who I am without any rules or restrictions.

A recent camping and mountain biking trip I took with some friends was a great example of that switch, being a planner, control monster ( I refer to it as my inner monster) and organizer that I am, I packed up my subaru and headed out to go pick up MC (using initials for privacy reasons). I arrived at MC house and we packed up the car with her belongings and off we went. We get to the campsite and ready to make some dinner and “April, where are kitchen items to make dinner with?” Uh-oh and then OH SHIT, were my initial thoughts, and then MC laughed and I laughed and she said, “so how is that whole living freely working out for you?” Well.....after the how are we going to cook food thoughts, went running through my head, I actually felt alright about forgetting the essentials for cooking. It all turned out okay and we were fine, other friends stepped in and allowed up to use their stuff.

All in all, everything worked out, and yes, I didn’t blow a gasket or stress myself out or anyone else for that matter. The weekend ending up being a total blast and I literally felt like I was running through the forest naked. Releasing my inner demons was something that I had been experiencing over that last few months, really recognizing them and embracing them for what they were “EMOTIONS”. I finally was able to break through an element of my life that took a long time to achieve.

I AM celebrating my minor accomplishments during this transformation, they are the tiny reminders that keep me on my path of growth and renewal.

In finishing this week’s blog, I reflect on a few things, gratitude, celebrations, and the ever so reminder that my feeling of being naked is leading me into a happiness I could never have seen before until now!

If you haven’t already figured out, I love music, so yes, another song for the week. I felt like dancing at moments during my week and this is an artist that makes me move inside and out! Her lyrics have a deeper meaning for me. I hope you enjoy!

A Turning Point

This week I must say, I wasn’t eager to write, yes I know only two weeks into this and already at the point of not wanting to write. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to write, but mainly fighting a head cold and trying to find my clear space as Leianne would put it has been difficult. My body insisted that I rest and do nothing but stay attached to my couch or bed. This is not an easy task for me, I like to go, go, go, but not this time, per my body it was time to take a break and re-fuel myself. So I spent a day knocking myself out with medications and turning myself off to the rest of the world. I told myself no mountain biking, commuting to work on the road bike or running for a few days. A few days for me is like an eternity, see I have the hardest time sitting still for very long or before I start to feel guilty about not being active.  But as I write this, I remind myself that I must see it and treat it differently than before and that is where I have come to my turning point.

When looking back on my life, my whole 38 years of living, I have had two turning points in my life. My first experience was when my little brother committed suicide. I was 24 years old, definitely focusing on myself, working on developing the person I was becoming. This all came to a halt for me when darkness set in upon my family and we were faced with the tragedy of losing our beloved Dustin. The second turning point for me  was earlier this year.

Dustin, was super special to me, there was a certain amount of love and compassion that he had for his family. A love you could see in his bright blue eyes, yearning to be with his siblings once again. He had a deep love that not many of us get to experience.  

I can recall the last few days we spent with each other, he spent his spring break out here in Colorado visiting family and the last few days he was here, we got to go to one of my favorite spots “Glenwood Springs” we hiked at a beautiful place called “Hanging Lake”, after the hike we then went to the hot springs to soak up the warm water. After arriving home, he made, what I would call the most delicious hamburgers ever. I am not sure what all he used, but it had ranch dressing dry mix in it, very tasty. While making dinner, we were laughing and joking around as normal siblings do. It was a  fun and exciting time, but to our disappointment, this ending up being the last moments of his life and one I will always cherish.

The next day happened to be Easter and my birthday. I remember waking up in the morning and he was in my bed with me. I was like, hey get out! He laughed, rolled over and fell back to sleep. At this moment I thought, he is being that annoying brother, but after his death, I believe it was his way of being close to me. A bond that at a time is indescribable and one that I have since experienced with another.  The next day, April 13, 1998, changed my life forever. I received a phone call late that night from my older brother telling me that Dustin had shot himself. This was my turning point number 1................

I will forever miss my little brother, and when he died I felt I could have prevented it from happening, in many ways I felt like a failure, that I failed him some way or other. That I didn’t recognize his outpouring and yearning of love to be with his family in Colorado.  This bag of failure followed me for years to come, it wasn’t until recently that I really faced failure and was able to embrace it.  

Turning point 2 was earlier this year. I was forced to face reality of a situation that was close to my heart and also take a very in-depth look at my current place in my life. If there was one part of my life that I controlled, it would be avoiding failure, believe me, I would find a way. I did this in every aspect of my life, work, relationships, personal appearance, etc. I was so afraid of failure, what others may think, or see about me, that I got lost in that fuzzy world. It wasn’t just failure that I was afraid of, it was also not thinking I was worthy, worthy in all situations, if this meant my friendships, intimate relationships, relationships with my family and co-workers. For so long I held myself to this higher standard of living, I must be this or that and I will be happy.

I mastered this art of not accepting failure into my life. I put myself through school, worked my way up in my company to management level, bought a house, "never show weakness" was my motto for a good portion of my life. The one thing is, I never bought into my own concept and thought these are all the things in life that would think make one feel successful right?  But at the end of the day, I was far from feeling successful. Inside I was waiting to explode and man my little world exploded right before my eyes and everything that I knew about myself was stripped away. Yes, literally stripped away. Everything that I knew, was gone. Which brings me to my turning points.

Who is April? Such an interesting question when left alone to ponder who I really am. To the outside world, a daughter, sister, friend, co-worker, mountain biker and all true, but what most didn’t know is a person who has fought a tough battle within herself. I am so grateful for the life I have stepped into and the turning point in my life that has forever changed who I am.

So as I wrap up this week’s blog, know that the journey of which I embark upon has been a great one thus far and one that I am positively excited about!

Until next week, have a wonderful weekend and here is a quote and a song to finish this week’s blog.

"People of genuine strength and ability are people who are capable of overcoming their own weaknesses. They are people who unremittingly pursue the paths they have chosen in life, without giving up." By Daisaku Ikeda

Avocados and Rainbows

Avocados and Rainbows

When I decided to start writing a blog, I had a few reasons, but the main reason was to share my rainbows and avocados with everyone or as many people who are intrigued enough to read.  My promise is to make one blog post a week, a new endeavor of sort, so let me began with my avocados and rainbows.

First, a disclaimer, I’m not a writer, I actually don’t favor writing, but this is about my passion, “My Life” so anything is possible and I might actually enjoy the whole writing journey.

My core, my avocado, that which has many layers. Some layers are tough and some are soft and squishy.  I believe we incorporate both and being able to explore both sides or dwell in the depths of one’s avocado can be the most amazing ride life can offer.

My path in last six months has made me peel apart the core layers of my avocado. To get down to the seed of who I really am, was or about to become. In the midst of this change, life-alternating transformation, I’ve been exploring my full avocado and all the layers upon it.  At times it has left me feeling very raw, naked if you will, and for the people that know me, well they can tell you, it’s a whole new trail for me.

Rainbows? Why rainbows?  I use this word to describe the current path I am on. Think about the movie “The Wizard of Oz”, it began in black and white and then Dorothy was awakened to a world of glorious color. Yes, in many ways my soul has reawakened and this is where it starts to get good and most definitely real.

Until my next post, I have this song to share by Naked and Famous “Youngblood” listen to the lyrics closely. 

Why Blog?

This is my first official post, blogging post. This blog is the opportunity to start anew, to share the beautiful path that I have so willingly embraced.

Often in life, we search for that meaningful purpose, our calling, our destiny. So, some may ask, "why April, why start a blog?" My simple answer to that question is....... You will know soon enough. What I can tell you is, we will laugh, we will cry, have our ahhhh moments and definitely our YES moments, but together we will experience it all and I promise it will be a thrilling adventure.