I am

Before I start getting too involved in my writing this week, let me be clear that I am grateful for this experience in my life, I am grateful for the path that I am walking, although very difficult to dig up  the inner thoughts of myself and really tune into who I am and why I am here at this point in my life. This transformation is something I am entirely grateful for. To have this opportunity to experience the real part of me, has really changed the way I see the world, myself, others and the events that take place. In a sense I really am living, not going along with the daily routines, throwing myself out to the wolves, and for the first time in my life not following the rules.

I am really living in the moment, day to day and being aware of my current situation and all the changes of which I have openly embraced. Changing my past beliefs and behaviors is definitely most challenging and yet I still feel naked in the sense of who I am.  I’m listening to the universe, spirit, God, whatever you want to call it, for me it’s the universe. Before I had a pulling, gnawing and tugging at my heart, that inner voice that was saying. “How happy are you really April?” and why do I feel like there is something more? I heard that voice, but never really tapped into it until I was literally was pushed to listen to it.

That big push came from a failed relationship, I in all sense was in love, but this was not the mutual feeling or connection for that individual and the idea of actually working things out was not going to be an option.

Now, I look back with clarity and realize it was all for what we so commonly refer to or hear of, “It happened for a reason”, after waking up and dealing with my feelings, I realized that I was ready for something new, a new life of sorts, new ways to deal with life, a new fresh look. Some of these new ways have lead me to much laughter, feeling of freedom and the ability to explore new waters, but the best feeling of all, is really being okay with everything and allowing myself to be who I am without any rules or restrictions.

A recent camping and mountain biking trip I took with some friends was a great example of that switch, being a planner, control monster ( I refer to it as my inner monster) and organizer that I am, I packed up my subaru and headed out to go pick up MC (using initials for privacy reasons). I arrived at MC house and we packed up the car with her belongings and off we went. We get to the campsite and ready to make some dinner and “April, where are kitchen items to make dinner with?” Uh-oh and then OH SHIT, were my initial thoughts, and then MC laughed and I laughed and she said, “so how is that whole living freely working out for you?” Well.....after the how are we going to cook food thoughts, went running through my head, I actually felt alright about forgetting the essentials for cooking. It all turned out okay and we were fine, other friends stepped in and allowed up to use their stuff.

All in all, everything worked out, and yes, I didn’t blow a gasket or stress myself out or anyone else for that matter. The weekend ending up being a total blast and I literally felt like I was running through the forest naked. Releasing my inner demons was something that I had been experiencing over that last few months, really recognizing them and embracing them for what they were “EMOTIONS”. I finally was able to break through an element of my life that took a long time to achieve.

I AM celebrating my minor accomplishments during this transformation, they are the tiny reminders that keep me on my path of growth and renewal.

In finishing this week’s blog, I reflect on a few things, gratitude, celebrations, and the ever so reminder that my feeling of being naked is leading me into a happiness I could never have seen before until now!

If you haven’t already figured out, I love music, so yes, another song for the week. I felt like dancing at moments during my week and this is an artist that makes me move inside and out! Her lyrics have a deeper meaning for me. I hope you enjoy!