This week I must say, I wasn’t eager to write, yes I know only two weeks into this and already at the point of not wanting to write. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to write, but mainly fighting a head cold and trying to find my clear space as Leianne would put it has been difficult. My body insisted that I rest and do nothing but stay attached to my couch or bed. This is not an easy task for me, I like to go, go, go, but not this time, per my body it was time to take a break and re-fuel myself. So I spent a day knocking myself out with medications and turning myself off to the rest of the world. I told myself no mountain biking, commuting to work on the road bike or running for a few days. A few days for me is like an eternity, see I have the hardest time sitting still for very long or before I start to feel guilty about not being active. But as I write this, I remind myself that I must see it and treat it differently than before and that is where I have come to my turning point.
When looking back on my life, my whole 38 years of living, I have had two turning points in my life. My first experience was when my little brother committed suicide. I was 24 years old, definitely focusing on myself, working on developing the person I was becoming. This all came to a halt for me when darkness set in upon my family and we were faced with the tragedy of losing our beloved Dustin. The second turning point for me was earlier this year.
Dustin, was super special to me, there was a certain amount of love and compassion that he had for his family. A love you could see in his bright blue eyes, yearning to be with his siblings once again. He had a deep love that not many of us get to experience.
I can recall the last few days we spent with each other, he spent his spring break out here in Colorado visiting family and the last few days he was here, we got to go to one of my favorite spots “Glenwood Springs” we hiked at a beautiful place called “Hanging Lake”, after the hike we then went to the hot springs to soak up the warm water. After arriving home, he made, what I would call the most delicious hamburgers ever. I am not sure what all he used, but it had ranch dressing dry mix in it, very tasty. While making dinner, we were laughing and joking around as normal siblings do. It was a fun and exciting time, but to our disappointment, this ending up being the last moments of his life and one I will always cherish.
The next day happened to be Easter and my birthday. I remember waking up in the morning and he was in my bed with me. I was like, hey get out! He laughed, rolled over and fell back to sleep. At this moment I thought, he is being that annoying brother, but after his death, I believe it was his way of being close to me. A bond that at a time is indescribable and one that I have since experienced with another. The next day, April 13, 1998, changed my life forever. I received a phone call late that night from my older brother telling me that Dustin had shot himself. This was my turning point number 1................
I will forever miss my little brother, and when he died I felt I could have prevented it from happening, in many ways I felt like a failure, that I failed him some way or other. That I didn’t recognize his outpouring and yearning of love to be with his family in Colorado. This bag of failure followed me for years to come, it wasn’t until recently that I really faced failure and was able to embrace it.
Turning point 2 was earlier this year. I was forced to face reality of a situation that was close to my heart and also take a very in-depth look at my current place in my life. If there was one part of my life that I controlled, it would be avoiding failure, believe me, I would find a way. I did this in every aspect of my life, work, relationships, personal appearance, etc. I was so afraid of failure, what others may think, or see about me, that I got lost in that fuzzy world. It wasn’t just failure that I was afraid of, it was also not thinking I was worthy, worthy in all situations, if this meant my friendships, intimate relationships, relationships with my family and co-workers. For so long I held myself to this higher standard of living, I must be this or that and I will be happy.
I mastered this art of not accepting failure into my life. I put myself through school, worked my way up in my company to management level, bought a house, "never show weakness" was my motto for a good portion of my life. The one thing is, I never bought into my own concept and thought these are all the things in life that would think make one feel successful right? But at the end of the day, I was far from feeling successful. Inside I was waiting to explode and man my little world exploded right before my eyes and everything that I knew about myself was stripped away. Yes, literally stripped away. Everything that I knew, was gone. Which brings me to my turning points.
Who is April? Such an interesting question when left alone to ponder who I really am. To the outside world, a daughter, sister, friend, co-worker, mountain biker and all true, but what most didn’t know is a person who has fought a tough battle within herself. I am so grateful for the life I have stepped into and the turning point in my life that has forever changed who I am.
So as I wrap up this week’s blog, know that the journey of which I embark upon has been a great one thus far and one that I am positively excited about!
Until next week, have a wonderful weekend and here is a quote and a song to finish this week’s blog.
"People of genuine strength and ability are people who are capable of overcoming their own weaknesses. They are people who unremittingly pursue the paths they have chosen in life, without giving up." By Daisaku Ikeda
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