If I told you that the conversations you have with yourself were mostly bullshit, would you believe me? Probably not, is my first thought. I mean why would you tell yourself a bunch of bullshit? That doesn’t make any sense right? All I can say is you, might be amazed.
I told you I would let you all know how my progress was on my conversations with myself and my weekly meeting with Leianne. I can say I got it! Only took 4 weeks and some frustrating moment, moments of me having my outburst and don’t worry I did it alone and didn’t scare off any small children.
The conversation I have been having with myself for weeks, has to do with dating and a certain someone that doesn’t live in this state. No, we are not dating, getting to know each other mostly and really how can you date someone that lives 600 miles away? I can’t touch him, I can’t see his face, I can’t call him up and say lets meet for a beer, lets go for a bike ride, walk, or get ice cream. No, I can’t do any of this, and so when I thought to myself, about dating, I had reminded myself and a few others that I said no online dating. This is where it it gets interesting.
So, why no online dating? NO REAL GOOD REASON!! There you go, that was simple. HA HA, but a month ago, it wasn’t simple. I struggled and struggle with this decision, I listened to others opinions, analyze their perspectives and grew more and more frustrated over time. Let’s be honest, meeting someone today is not easy, yes it can happen by chance encountered, but the likelihood is slim to none. Yes, I have friends, tons of friends, but thats just the thing, we all hang out together and the opportunity of someone new, being introduced to you is also slim. I’m also competing with other single ladies in my circles, which is not a bad thing at all. But when you start to look at the numbers, it starts to fade fast. And yes, love just happens, when the timing is right. But, in reality, love is not knocking on my door either and me doing nothing about it, doesn’t help my cause. So.......
Back to the conversation. I had my AH-HA MOMENT. I SERIOUSLY HAD IT. The conversation was and is completely about ME. No one else, not others opinions, but plain ole April. After walking through this conversation, I learned that it was me judging ME, me justifying my own actions. ME telling me, that moving forward is OKAY! WHAT THE FUCK! Seriously, I’m crying tears of joy right now, what was once blurred, is now all so clear. So, that little devil (ego), I found you and you will not rule this conversation any longer.
Truthfully, this struggle, this conversation that I had over and over and over again, was all about ME! I told myself so many different things, to get myself to believe a certain way, to validate what I thought I should do. In the end, it was me keeping myself from doing what I really wanted to do. It is me, that was standing in my own way.
FUCK ME! My ever so famous words. Yes, because this is exactly what I was doing, I was screwing MYSELF. LOL (LAUGH CAUSE THIS IS FUNNY)
I can walk away this week, feeling successful and relief at being able to finally pinpoint how I truly feel about whole situation. And this is why it is the topic for this weeks writing. Our conversations with ourselves can become so blurry, because we make them that way. We have no one else to blame but ourselves. I now see it for what its worth. I learned that I have to sit down and put it down on paper and then I can really figure out what I really want or need to know. For me, this is a huge success! I now know, that others opinions, suggestions, comments only influence me, as much as I want to allow them, but at the end of the day, it is all about me. Now, the question may be sitting on your mind. Did she or did she not move forth with the online dating? I’ll get back to that.........but not this week.
Until next week, I always close with a song and this is a new song, one I found and keep replaying. I like it, has a chilling but, ever so good truth to it.
In order for me to explain some of my past experiences over the last few months, I have to forward to the present day. As I mentioned before, I am working with a life-shaping coach. I am challenged weekly with tasks she gives me. I'm at the stage of this program where most people give up, but not me, oh no, I'm an Aries, a ram, bold, hard-headed, keep hitting my head on the wall until I get it kind of girl.
The trail of conversations..................
I meet with Lieanne once a week, the past 4 weeks have been quite challenging. See I have homework pretty much every week and then we go through the homework together. I haven’t been able to successfully achieve the latest section, although I know I will, it’s much harder than I imagined. I have to document two conversations I have with myself. Then we break these conversations up into two main thoughts. We have what is called “clear thoughts” and then “chain thoughts” 99% of our thoughts are chained thoughts, rarely do we have what is actually a clear thought. But we do have them.
My personal challenge has been getting those 2 conversations down on paper. Amazingly, I still filter my own conversations, without getting down the meat and bones of the conversation. Now, I know this may seem quite easy, but it really is not when I make this attempt. I have not given up yet and will keep plugging away though, because that is what I’m good at! I’m so laughing at myself right now.
What I have taken away from this? Up until this point, I can say that I’m really embracing and listening to other conversations around me. I think if we all sat and recorded our conversations, provoking would be one way I could describe what I hear. But during these conversations, I’m still have conversations with myself. Funny how I caught myself doing this just last night while I was talking to my mother. I found myself even during the conversation trying to convince myself on how I felt about a specific topic, even when she was talking. ARGGGGH.
So, back to hitting the pen to the paper or in today’s world, keystrokes on the computer. Oh, why is this all important, well there is an answer, but you have to wait until next week and I will let you know if I have passed the challenge.
I can honesty say that I have experienced that big shift in my life. This shift hasn’t happened overnight, although I clearly would have liked to have fallen asleep and woke up the next morning and say “all done”. Realistically, I am still working my way through this shift.
My blog is about sharing my experience, sharing the struggles, the joy and the growth I have encountered. This all started for me in April of this year, but didn’t really kick me hard until May. I wasn’t necessary at a dark place, but definitely a shift in my life that needed to be recognized and dealt with. In order to give this the due justice it deserves, I can only best explain it in stages.
I will not blame anyone or blame any one circumstance but, I definitely felt that I was let down by someone who I thought had my back, someone that didn’t stay true to their own word and for so many of my own reasons, I was crushed. As the famous saying goes “don’t put all your eggs into one basket”. I think it should say, “don’t put all your eggs into someone else’s basket”. Yes, I have done this time after time, I never put the faith into myself as I have for others. I can say, I am done doing that. It’s been about me and what April wants and needs for the past few months. But also, being aware, observing and processing all that goes on in my day to day activities. Actually listening to people and conversations has opened up a whole new world for me.
I started by reading Don Miguel Ruiz book “The Four Agreements” I heard it, but I didn’t process it, I had to read it again and again. Then I said, ‘If I’m really going to do this, I want to do it the right way”. The right way for me was using the tools and help of Leianne Wilson, she is a life-shaping coach. I know, sounds strange, but for me it was and is the best thing I could have ever done for myself. She has equipped me with the tools of knowledge and shown me how really important my eggs are. With a combination of applying what I have read and the tools Leianne has given me, I was eager to start applying my new skills in my everyday life.
One of the first areas I was forced to look at was gratitude. Yes, what am I grateful for? When I was down, sad and lonely, I was forced to see the sunshine and what is present. So, I started with the small things, like waking up “WOW I’m alive” and then for my senses, such as hearing, seeing, feeling. Yes, cheesey I know, but it was a starting point and the one thing that I never lost sight of was mountain biking. I love being able to ride my bike. Being on the bike always seem to put a smile on my face. So, I had to stop and ponder about my life and my current situation, I had so much to be happy about. I had great friends, loving and supportive family, awesome co-workers. I have a great home, nice car, good health and the ability to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. For this I am truly grateful for.
But, there is another part of this, that I must speak about, and that is love. I remember going to visit Lieanne one day and she asked me about my week. I broke down crying, I told her that, I couldn’t imagine not sharing the love I have with someone. That I feared I would be alone forever. We’ve all been there and if you haven’t, well you are one damn lucky person, when I finally composed myself, she said, “April, you don’t really believe that you will be alone right?” Silence set in for a moment, I knew I might be alone now in the present moment, but, I also knew that I was not alone. What I realized was, I was trapped in my dream, but I had the power to change it all and that is exactly what I am doing. Through hard work, determination, perseverance and the help of a few special individuals I know I will reach my goal. I get closer and closer every day and can truly say that, the smile you see on my face, is a smile of genuine happiness.
If you haven’t read the book “The Four Agreements” I highly suggest it. These are simple agreements that we can apply to our everyday lives, that can have effective results, without having to do much.
I write this week with a heavy heart. I had to make that most difficult decision regarding my dearest friend. Tuesday evening I had to say goodbye to Frosty.
I remember bringing Frosty home from the pet shop, it was December 22, 2000. He was the cutest little guy, super white soft furr and pink ears. Right away I was in love with him and his personality. For the next 12 years he was that friend, the friend who showed me what unconditional love really is.
We went hiking together, camping, car rides, you name it, we did it. Frosty was always the special guest at any party and the special soul that touched so many lives. He had a love/hate relationship with the vacuum cleaner, the water hose, and skate boards. But, at the end of the day he knew where his treats were and who to look for when he wanted one.
I will resume my normal blogging next week, but at this moment I will remember my friend. The one who changed my life in so many ways. The one who showed me what true kindness really means. He was and is the best dog anyone could ever ask for.
