That little devil

If I told you that the conversations you have with yourself were mostly bullshit, would you believe me? Probably not, is my first thought. I mean why would you tell yourself a bunch of bullshit? That doesn’t make any sense right? All I can say is you, might be amazed.

I told you I would let you all know how my progress was on my conversations with myself and my weekly meeting with Leianne. I can say I got it! Only took 4 weeks and some frustrating moment, moments of me having my outburst and don’t worry I did it alone and didn’t scare off any small children.

The conversation I have been having with myself for weeks, has to do with dating and a certain someone that doesn’t live in this state. No, we are not dating, getting to know each other mostly and really how can you date someone that lives 600 miles away? I can’t touch him, I can’t see his face, I can’t call him up and say lets meet for a beer, lets go for a bike ride, walk, or get ice cream. No, I can’t do any of this, and so when I thought to myself, about dating, I had reminded myself and a few others that I said no online dating. This is where it it gets interesting.

So, why no online dating? NO REAL GOOD REASON!! There you go, that was simple. HA HA, but a month ago, it wasn’t simple. I struggled and struggle with this decision, I listened to others opinions, analyze their perspectives and grew more and more frustrated over time. Let’s be honest, meeting someone today is not easy, yes it can happen by chance encountered, but the likelihood is slim to none. Yes, I have friends, tons of friends, but thats just the thing, we all hang out together and the opportunity of someone new, being introduced to you is also slim. I’m also competing with other single ladies in my circles, which is not a bad thing at all. But when you start to look at the numbers, it starts to fade fast. And yes, love just happens, when the timing is right. But, in reality, love is not knocking on my door either and me doing nothing about it, doesn’t help my cause. So.......

Back to the conversation. I had my AH-HA MOMENT. I SERIOUSLY HAD IT. The conversation was and is completely about ME. No one else, not others opinions, but plain ole April. After walking through this conversation, I learned that it was me judging ME, me justifying my own actions. ME telling me, that moving forward is OKAY! WHAT THE FUCK! Seriously, I’m crying tears of joy right now, what was once blurred, is now all so clear. So, that little devil (ego), I found you and you will not rule this conversation any longer.

Truthfully, this struggle, this conversation that I had over and over and over again, was all about ME! I told myself so many different things, to get myself to believe a certain way, to validate what I thought I should do. In the end, it was me keeping myself from doing what I really wanted to do. It is me, that was standing in my own way.

FUCK ME! My ever so famous words. Yes, because this is exactly what I was doing, I was screwing MYSELF. LOL (LAUGH CAUSE THIS IS FUNNY)

I can walk away this week, feeling successful and relief at being able to finally pinpoint how I truly feel about whole situation. And this is why it is the topic for this weeks writing. Our conversations with ourselves can become so blurry, because we make them that way. We have no one else to blame but ourselves. I now see it for what its worth. I learned that I have to sit down and put it down on paper and then I can really figure out what I really want or need to know. For me, this is a huge success! I now know, that others opinions, suggestions, comments only influence me, as much as I want to allow them, but at the end of the day, it is all about me.

Now, the question may be sitting on your mind. Did she or did she not move forth with the online dating?
I’ll get back to that.........but not this week.

Until next week, I always close with a song and this is a new song, one I found and keep replaying. I like it, has a chilling but, ever so good truth to it.