If I told you that the conversations you have with yourself were mostly bullshit, would you believe me? Probably not, is my first thought. I mean why would you tell yourself a bunch of bullshit? That doesn’t make any sense right? All I can say is you, might be amazed.
I told you I would let you all know how my progress was on my conversations with myself and my weekly meeting with Leianne. I can say I got it! Only took 4 weeks and some frustrating moment, moments of me having my outburst and don’t worry I did it alone and didn’t scare off any small children.
The conversation I have been having with myself for weeks, has to do with dating and a certain someone that doesn’t live in this state. No, we are not dating, getting to know each other mostly and really how can you date someone that lives 600 miles away? I can’t touch him, I can’t see his face, I can’t call him up and say lets meet for a beer, lets go for a bike ride, walk, or get ice cream. No, I can’t do any of this, and so when I thought to myself, about dating, I had reminded myself and a few others that I said no online dating. This is where it it gets interesting.
So, why no online dating? NO REAL GOOD REASON!! There you go, that was simple. HA HA, but a month ago, it wasn’t simple. I struggled and struggle with this decision, I listened to others opinions, analyze their perspectives and grew more and more frustrated over time. Let’s be honest, meeting someone today is not easy, yes it can happen by chance encountered, but the likelihood is slim to none. Yes, I have friends, tons of friends, but thats just the thing, we all hang out together and the opportunity of someone new, being introduced to you is also slim. I’m also competing with other single ladies in my circles, which is not a bad thing at all. But when you start to look at the numbers, it starts to fade fast. And yes, love just happens, when the timing is right. But, in reality, love is not knocking on my door either and me doing nothing about it, doesn’t help my cause. So.......
Back to the conversation. I had my AH-HA MOMENT. I SERIOUSLY HAD IT. The conversation was and is completely about ME. No one else, not others opinions, but plain ole April. After walking through this conversation, I learned that it was me judging ME, me justifying my own actions. ME telling me, that moving forward is OKAY! WHAT THE FUCK! Seriously, I’m crying tears of joy right now, what was once blurred, is now all so clear. So, that little devil (ego), I found you and you will not rule this conversation any longer.
Truthfully, this struggle, this conversation that I had over and over and over again, was all about ME! I told myself so many different things, to get myself to believe a certain way, to validate what I thought I should do. In the end, it was me keeping myself from doing what I really wanted to do. It is me, that was standing in my own way.
FUCK ME! My ever so famous words. Yes, because this is exactly what I was doing, I was screwing MYSELF. LOL (LAUGH CAUSE THIS IS FUNNY)
I can walk away this week, feeling successful and relief at being able to finally pinpoint how I truly feel about whole situation. And this is why it is the topic for this weeks writing. Our conversations with ourselves can become so blurry, because we make them that way. We have no one else to blame but ourselves. I now see it for what its worth. I learned that I have to sit down and put it down on paper and then I can really figure out what I really want or need to know. For me, this is a huge success! I now know, that others opinions, suggestions, comments only influence me, as much as I want to allow them, but at the end of the day, it is all about me. Now, the question may be sitting on your mind. Did she or did she not move forth with the online dating? I’ll get back to that.........but not this week.
Until next week, I always close with a song and this is a new song, one I found and keep replaying. I like it, has a chilling but, ever so good truth to it.
In order for me to explain some of my past experiences over the last few months, I have to forward to the present day. As I mentioned before, I am working with a life-shaping coach. I am challenged weekly with tasks she gives me. I'm at the stage of this program where most people give up, but not me, oh no, I'm an Aries, a ram, bold, hard-headed, keep hitting my head on the wall until I get it kind of girl.
The trail of conversations..................
I meet with Lieanne once a week, the past 4 weeks have been quite challenging. See I have homework pretty much every week and then we go through the homework together. I haven’t been able to successfully achieve the latest section, although I know I will, it’s much harder than I imagined. I have to document two conversations I have with myself. Then we break these conversations up into two main thoughts. We have what is called “clear thoughts” and then “chain thoughts” 99% of our thoughts are chained thoughts, rarely do we have what is actually a clear thought. But we do have them.
My personal challenge has been getting those 2 conversations down on paper. Amazingly, I still filter my own conversations, without getting down the meat and bones of the conversation. Now, I know this may seem quite easy, but it really is not when I make this attempt. I have not given up yet and will keep plugging away though, because that is what I’m good at! I’m so laughing at myself right now.
What I have taken away from this? Up until this point, I can say that I’m really embracing and listening to other conversations around me. I think if we all sat and recorded our conversations, provoking would be one way I could describe what I hear. But during these conversations, I’m still have conversations with myself. Funny how I caught myself doing this just last night while I was talking to my mother. I found myself even during the conversation trying to convince myself on how I felt about a specific topic, even when she was talking. ARGGGGH.
So, back to hitting the pen to the paper or in today’s world, keystrokes on the computer. Oh, why is this all important, well there is an answer, but you have to wait until next week and I will let you know if I have passed the challenge.
I can honesty say that I have experienced that big shift in my life. This shift hasn’t happened overnight, although I clearly would have liked to have fallen asleep and woke up the next morning and say “all done”. Realistically, I am still working my way through this shift.
My blog is about sharing my experience, sharing the struggles, the joy and the growth I have encountered. This all started for me in April of this year, but didn’t really kick me hard until May. I wasn’t necessary at a dark place, but definitely a shift in my life that needed to be recognized and dealt with. In order to give this the due justice it deserves, I can only best explain it in stages.
I will not blame anyone or blame any one circumstance but, I definitely felt that I was let down by someone who I thought had my back, someone that didn’t stay true to their own word and for so many of my own reasons, I was crushed. As the famous saying goes “don’t put all your eggs into one basket”. I think it should say, “don’t put all your eggs into someone else’s basket”. Yes, I have done this time after time, I never put the faith into myself as I have for others. I can say, I am done doing that. It’s been about me and what April wants and needs for the past few months. But also, being aware, observing and processing all that goes on in my day to day activities. Actually listening to people and conversations has opened up a whole new world for me.
I started by reading Don Miguel Ruiz book “The Four Agreements” I heard it, but I didn’t process it, I had to read it again and again. Then I said, ‘If I’m really going to do this, I want to do it the right way”. The right way for me was using the tools and help of Leianne Wilson, she is a life-shaping coach. I know, sounds strange, but for me it was and is the best thing I could have ever done for myself. She has equipped me with the tools of knowledge and shown me how really important my eggs are. With a combination of applying what I have read and the tools Leianne has given me, I was eager to start applying my new skills in my everyday life.
One of the first areas I was forced to look at was gratitude. Yes, what am I grateful for? When I was down, sad and lonely, I was forced to see the sunshine and what is present. So, I started with the small things, like waking up “WOW I’m alive” and then for my senses, such as hearing, seeing, feeling. Yes, cheesey I know, but it was a starting point and the one thing that I never lost sight of was mountain biking. I love being able to ride my bike. Being on the bike always seem to put a smile on my face. So, I had to stop and ponder about my life and my current situation, I had so much to be happy about. I had great friends, loving and supportive family, awesome co-workers. I have a great home, nice car, good health and the ability to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. For this I am truly grateful for.
But, there is another part of this, that I must speak about, and that is love. I remember going to visit Lieanne one day and she asked me about my week. I broke down crying, I told her that, I couldn’t imagine not sharing the love I have with someone. That I feared I would be alone forever. We’ve all been there and if you haven’t, well you are one damn lucky person, when I finally composed myself, she said, “April, you don’t really believe that you will be alone right?” Silence set in for a moment, I knew I might be alone now in the present moment, but, I also knew that I was not alone. What I realized was, I was trapped in my dream, but I had the power to change it all and that is exactly what I am doing. Through hard work, determination, perseverance and the help of a few special individuals I know I will reach my goal. I get closer and closer every day and can truly say that, the smile you see on my face, is a smile of genuine happiness.
If you haven’t read the book “The Four Agreements” I highly suggest it. These are simple agreements that we can apply to our everyday lives, that can have effective results, without having to do much.
I write this week with a heavy heart. I had to make that most difficult decision regarding my dearest friend. Tuesday evening I had to say goodbye to Frosty.
I remember bringing Frosty home from the pet shop, it was December 22, 2000. He was the cutest little guy, super white soft furr and pink ears. Right away I was in love with him and his personality. For the next 12 years he was that friend, the friend who showed me what unconditional love really is.
We went hiking together, camping, car rides, you name it, we did it. Frosty was always the special guest at any party and the special soul that touched so many lives. He had a love/hate relationship with the vacuum cleaner, the water hose, and skate boards. But, at the end of the day he knew where his treats were and who to look for when he wanted one.
I will resume my normal blogging next week, but at this moment I will remember my friend. The one who changed my life in so many ways. The one who showed me what true kindness really means. He was and is the best dog anyone could ever ask for.
My plan for this week is to keep it light-hearted and simple. As we all get ready to say farewell to good ol’ summer of 2012, I will be taking some time away to reflect on the changes that have made my life what it is today. (A short trip if you will).
Yes, I know summer is not officially over, but for most of us, Labor Day is the dawning of a new season as the year comes to an end.
I do love the Fall season, the cool crisp evenings, the changing of the leaves, the crackle of the ground while riding my mountain bike. Ahhh, it really puts a smile on my face.
Summer 2012, you have been enlightening, adventurous, heartbreaking, uplifting, but ever so fulfilling. I’ve laughed with great friends, meeting of new ones, and riding my bike in the most enchanting wilderness, all while I continue to strive for that perfect place within.
As we all enter into our long weekend with family and friends. I ask you to reflect back on your summer and pose a question to my readers.
Please feel free to leave your comments. I will be back later next week. Have a wonderful and safe holiday weekend! Question: If not now, then when?
Before I start getting too involved in my writing this week, let me be clear that I am grateful for this experience in my life, I am grateful for the path that I am walking, although very difficult to dig up the inner thoughts of myself and really tune into who I am and why I am here at this point in my life. This transformation is something I am entirely grateful for. To have this opportunity to experience the real part of me, has really changed the way I see the world, myself, others and the events that take place. In a sense I really am living, not going along with the daily routines, throwing myself out to the wolves, and for the first time in my life not following the rules.
I am really living in the moment, day to day and being aware of my current situation and all the changes of which I have openly embraced. Changing my past beliefs and behaviors is definitely most challenging and yet I still feel naked in the sense of who I am. I’m listening to the universe, spirit, God, whatever you want to call it, for me it’s the universe. Before I had a pulling, gnawing and tugging at my heart, that inner voice that was saying. “How happy are you really April?” and why do I feel like there is something more? I heard that voice, but never really tapped into it until I was literally was pushed to listen to it.
That big push came from a failed relationship, I in all sense was in love, but this was not the mutual feeling or connection for that individual and the idea of actually working things out was not going to be an option.
Now, I look back with clarity and realize it was all for what we so commonly refer to or hear of, “It happened for a reason”, after waking up and dealing with my feelings, I realized that I was ready for something new, a new life of sorts, new ways to deal with life, a new fresh look. Some of these new ways have lead me to much laughter, feeling of freedom and the ability to explore new waters, but the best feeling of all, is really being okay with everything and allowing myself to be who I am without any rules or restrictions.
A recent camping and mountain biking trip I took with some friends was a great example of that switch, being a planner, control monster ( I refer to it as my inner monster) and organizer that I am, I packed up my subaru and headed out to go pick up MC (using initials for privacy reasons). I arrived at MC house and we packed up the car with her belongings and off we went. We get to the campsite and ready to make some dinner and “April, where are kitchen items to make dinner with?” Uh-oh and then OH SHIT, were my initial thoughts, and then MC laughed and I laughed and she said, “so how is that whole living freely working out for you?” Well.....after the how are we going to cook food thoughts, went running through my head, I actually felt alright about forgetting the essentials for cooking. It all turned out okay and we were fine, other friends stepped in and allowed up to use their stuff.
All in all, everything worked out, and yes, I didn’t blow a gasket or stress myself out or anyone else for that matter. The weekend ending up being a total blast and I literally felt like I was running through the forest naked. Releasing my inner demons was something that I had been experiencing over that last few months, really recognizing them and embracing them for what they were “EMOTIONS”. I finally was able to break through an element of my life that took a long time to achieve.
I AM celebrating my minor accomplishments during this transformation, they are the tiny reminders that keep me on my path of growth and renewal.
In finishing this week’s blog, I reflect on a few things, gratitude, celebrations, and the ever so reminder that my feeling of being naked is leading me into a happiness I could never have seen before until now!
If you haven’t already figured out, I love music, so yes, another song for the week. I felt like dancing at moments during my week and this is an artist that makes me move inside and out! Her lyrics have a deeper meaning for me. I hope you enjoy!
This week I must say, I wasn’t eager to write, yes I know only two weeks into this and already at the point of not wanting to write. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to write, but mainly fighting a head cold and trying to find my clear space as Leianne would put it has been difficult. My body insisted that I rest and do nothing but stay attached to my couch or bed. This is not an easy task for me, I like to go, go, go, but not this time, per my body it was time to take a break and re-fuel myself. So I spent a day knocking myself out with medications and turning myself off to the rest of the world. I told myself no mountain biking, commuting to work on the road bike or running for a few days. A few days for me is like an eternity, see I have the hardest time sitting still for very long or before I start to feel guilty about not being active. But as I write this, I remind myself that I must see it and treat it differently than before and that is where I have come to my turning point.
When looking back on my life, my whole 38 years of living, I have had two turning points in my life. My first experience was when my little brother committed suicide. I was 24 years old, definitely focusing on myself, working on developing the person I was becoming. This all came to a halt for me when darkness set in upon my family and we were faced with the tragedy of losing our beloved Dustin. The second turning point for me was earlier this year.
Dustin, was super special to me, there was a certain amount of love and compassion that he had for his family. A love you could see in his bright blue eyes, yearning to be with his siblings once again. He had a deep love that not many of us get to experience.
I can recall the last few days we spent with each other, he spent his spring break out here in Colorado visiting family and the last few days he was here, we got to go to one of my favorite spots “Glenwood Springs” we hiked at a beautiful place called “Hanging Lake”, after the hike we then went to the hot springs to soak up the warm water. After arriving home, he made, what I would call the most delicious hamburgers ever. I am not sure what all he used, but it had ranch dressing dry mix in it, very tasty. While making dinner, we were laughing and joking around as normal siblings do. It was a fun and exciting time, but to our disappointment, this ending up being the last moments of his life and one I will always cherish.
The next day happened to be Easter and my birthday. I remember waking up in the morning and he was in my bed with me. I was like, hey get out! He laughed, rolled over and fell back to sleep. At this moment I thought, he is being that annoying brother, but after his death, I believe it was his way of being close to me. A bond that at a time is indescribable and one that I have since experienced with another. The next day, April 13, 1998, changed my life forever. I received a phone call late that night from my older brother telling me that Dustin had shot himself. This was my turning point number 1................
I will forever miss my little brother, and when he died I felt I could have prevented it from happening, in many ways I felt like a failure, that I failed him some way or other. That I didn’t recognize his outpouring and yearning of love to be with his family in Colorado. This bag of failure followed me for years to come, it wasn’t until recently that I really faced failure and was able to embrace it.
Turning point 2 was earlier this year. I was forced to face reality of a situation that was close to my heart and also take a very in-depth look at my current place in my life. If there was one part of my life that I controlled, it would be avoiding failure, believe me, I would find a way. I did this in every aspect of my life, work, relationships, personal appearance, etc. I was so afraid of failure, what others may think, or see about me, that I got lost in that fuzzy world. It wasn’t just failure that I was afraid of, it was also not thinking I was worthy, worthy in all situations, if this meant my friendships, intimate relationships, relationships with my family and co-workers. For so long I held myself to this higher standard of living, I must be this or that and I will be happy.
I mastered this art of not accepting failure into my life. I put myself through school, worked my way up in my company to management level, bought a house, "never show weakness" was my motto for a good portion of my life. The one thing is, I never bought into my own concept and thought these are all the things in life that would think make one feel successful right? But at the end of the day, I was far from feeling successful. Inside I was waiting to explode and man my little world exploded right before my eyes and everything that I knew about myself was stripped away. Yes, literally stripped away. Everything that I knew, was gone. Which brings me to my turning points.
Who is April? Such an interesting question when left alone to ponder who I really am. To the outside world, a daughter, sister, friend, co-worker, mountain biker and all true, but what most didn’t know is a person who has fought a tough battle within herself. I am so grateful for the life I have stepped into and the turning point in my life that has forever changed who I am.
So as I wrap up this week’s blog, know that the journey of which I embark upon has been a great one thus far and one that I am positively excited about!
Until next week, have a wonderful weekend and here is a quote and a song to finish this week’s blog.
"People of genuine strength and ability are people who are capable of overcoming their own weaknesses. They are people who unremittingly pursue the paths they have chosen in life, without giving up." By Daisaku Ikeda
